The shadow

I compare it to a shadow, for it follows you, it creeps up on you; it is only there on the brightest of days, but invisible on the darkest of days, when you want to see it.

The “it” I am describing it anxiety. My anxiety is the worst kind, where it is always there but will only attack at the best moments. I am not saying my anxiety is worse than yours because it probably isn’t but even when I sit there laughing with my friends I can feel the presence of my “shadow”, I can feel it preparing its self the hurt and damage me in the worst way it can because that what it likes to do.

Few of my friends know about anxiety because it’s it not something I generally like to broadcast to the world, except I am. Why? Because I want sympathy? Because I want to find others who suffer? Because I want to know if it is normal? I guess all of those are true but I know others suffer I am not the kind of person that seeks attention, and I know that’s it is pretty normal. Then why am I scared to tell people, I just said that it was normal so surely writing this should be easy, but no I have been trying to write this for about two months now, but I felt like people would judge would try to help me get through it, when all I really wanted is someone to talk too.

Last year I went through a spot of bother with me and my friends, and even though it has made me the person I am today and given me some truly wonderful friends it still scared me. I got tossed about like I was an object then, had an argument with someone I didn’t even know very well. This hurt me so much and even though people have experienced far, far worse this felt like the worst my life was ever going to get. My days consisted of me going to school, being sad at school then coming home and crying.

A lot of the feelings and emotions I was feeling where in my head, where the fault of my anxiety, however I told no one, I told no one that I was feeling on verges of self-harm and suicide. I would have never done either, I know that know, but I my anxiety did think about it. It’s a scary thought that I really don’t like to think about because it scares me. It scares me almost as much as my anxiety does.

Anxiety is something human and I already feel better sharing this so, so much better. There is only one way we can heal anxiety quicker, because tablets, drugs, and cream won’t help us. Only talking about it will, if everyone talks about it our world could start to become normally, the world that I and so many see.

Thank you, for reading this far, if you have, but an even bigger thank you to Jacksgap for being the inspiration for this post, you helped me come back to this unfinished post from 2 months ago and finish it and for that I can’t thank you enough.

Octavia xxx

 this photo is calmness in a photo

The Mirror of Representation

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Sometimes I look in the mirror and the person I see staring back at me just isn’t me, so why do I feel like this? Why can’t I even recognise myself anymore? Maybe it’s because the person I see isn’t who I want to see, what I want to see, what I want others to see and I think that there is an aspect that makes me feel like that but a waste majority of why I can’t see the person I see in the mirror as myself is simply because of the way society portrays girls and what we should see.

I wear hardly any makeup, only mascara and concealer, and I really have no idea why I even wear that, I mean why do we feel the need to wear makeup when our faces our beautiful, if no one wore makeup and it didn’t exist would we all feel really self-conscious and not want to go out, probably not because if something doesn’t exist we don’t think about what life would be like with it. For 100’s of years women (and men) have felt the need to hide under themselves, yes makeup is an art but it can also be used for other reasons, why should I feel the need to cover up my spots if there only natural, I don’t cover up my hair or my body so why should I feel the need to cover up this tiny aspect of my body.

This had me thinking is this why I don’t recognise myself is this why I see an unknown body holding my own special personality? Because if it is then I need to fix that, so I took of my makeup and looked in the mirror and saw a person I knew even less.

***

The reason I saw someone I knew less? Because I doubted myself and you can’t get anywhere without believing in yourself, we all just need to stop not believing and start seeing that no matter who we see in the mirror it is you, and you can be whoever you want to be if one day you want to see yourself as courage’s and beautiful do so, because I am sure it is true, if you want to see yourself as a kind caring, pretty human being, then also do so because I am sure you are. Don’t be what others want to see, be who you want to be, because you are the only person judging yourself and remember that.

Thank you all for reading,

Octavia xxx

One frosty evening.....

Hai, Hai, and Octavia here today, how has your day been today? Mine has been filled with laughter but my good friend anxiety has decided to come along with me and join in with laughs and turn them in to tears and panic, so I have been finding myself yet again on the hills. If you have been with me for a while you may know what I am talking about but if not.

The hills where I live are one of the only things that will calm me down; the hills, music and photography are my remedies to block out the worry. That is why I have been going on the hills a lot recently. I enjoy it and it makes me feel almost like a normal person again.

Now I said that photography was a remedy and so I have lots of photos to share, not as many as I have had but quite a few.

So sit back and enjoy the beauty of the hills through my eye.

my friends such a poser ;)

there she is again

not a very good photo but I loved the way the
clouds looked one morning

I hope you liked that, I feel calmer after that. Would you like to hear about my anxiety and also my insomnia that comes in the package that I received one day and stupidly opened. Let me know, I do feel pretty spontaneous and may end up writing you a 1,500 word essay about my life anyway.

Anyhow, love you all lots and lots.

Octavia xx

Things for this year...

Soooo...... 2015 already...

Hello, it is Molly again. I am kind of excited, since my mum just bought me these fabby boots, which I may have to get used to walking in because they are a bit high..... But oh well. I know I said I would do a New Year's Resolution's post, but I don't really feel like doing that since mine are all pretty personal. So I'm going to talk something I am doing this year...

I get to go to London!!!

Me and my family are planning a four-day trip to London, when we're gonna stay with some friends, visit some family and see everything... (like the London Eye, Buckingham Palace and the Victoria and Albert Museum, to name a few). I have apparently been to London before, but I was totsy so I don't remember. It will be amazing. I literally, figuratively, positively can't wait.

And then, a little bonus thing:

What I got for Christmas...

Well, my parents let me dye the ends of my hair and my mum took me on a shopping spree to Glasgow which was fun. I got new headphones, some books and lots of makeup. Also a £25 H&M gift card (may I just say, H&M is THE BOMB) which will be very fun to spend. :0)

Bye again, Tavi will see you soon (whenever she decides to post).

Mollzrzz xx

This year.....

Hello there, Octavia here, I promise I will stop doing rambling posts but it is New Year’s Day and I have been thinking about New Year’s resolutions and have decided that I am going to have only one New Year’s revolution, that being to be happy.

Now most people have 3, 4, 5, sometimes even more, New Year resolutions but I was thinking the other day and I don’t think that a New Year’s resolutions can be achieved unless you are happy, because happiness gives you so much self-esteem and when you set a new year’s resolution to run more you’re not going to do it unless it makes you happy, I mean look at your new year resolution that you have probably made, to achieve all of those do you need good self-esteem and to be happy, or are you simply doing it to make you happy. This year try to please yourself and keep your self-esteem up.

When I take out my camera that gives me so much happiness it’s unbelievable, and it also gives me a better perspective on life, if you look at the world through a happy persons eye it will be much more enjoyable than watching it through a sad person eye. Recently I have been finding it hard to sleep, a mixture of my insomnia and anxiety, and I just turn on some music or watch my favourite film and suddenly I feel so much more relaxed. I have playlist on Spotify that I haven’t been able to listen to for 6 months and I haven’t been able to listen to it because it has bad memories associated with it, but I braved my fear and listened to it and it made me feel so, so happy because I had conquered a fear and also the music is my favourite artist and it just felt so good. This year try to overcome a fear or do something that someone/something has prevent you from doing.

This year when you write your resolution, think why am you are doing this, for myself, for someone else, to make me feel good about myself, if we we’re all simply happy we would be able to achieve anything you want. Just smiling at someone might make their day and stop them from making themselves if they are unhappy, because there is only one thing greater than happiness and that is sharing happiness. This year do something to make someone else happy without even realising it.

This year be happy.

Octavia xxxxxx